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Dream Big 58

Have you ever had a goal or a dream that you wanted so bad, you could feel it in your gut? Something that was almost considered crazy and that others deemed unobtainable. If so, how did you manage to grab it and pull it to you? I'm still working on this very thing, and to keep myself preoccupied with other things I create a smaller goal that's under my control. Now that my kids are back in school I can really get back into longer, more strenuous walking trails in the morning hours, and then come home to work on my most difficult goals of acting, writing, and modeling.

I've still been diligent in trying to get back down to a size 8 instead of being a size 10. It's a slow process, but I'm getting there without binge dieting. Although I do eat healthy; stress, lack of sleep, and not having the metabolism of a twenty-year-old doesn't help in keeping those pesky extra pounds off. Even though I am comfortable in front of a camera, I am not however comfortable in my own skin. Anyone could pay me compliments all day long, but it's my opinion that really counts. And I don't like what I see when I look at myself in the mirror.

As a Virgo I'm naturally over critical and analytical, therefore I am also very hard on myself. My zodiac sign also imposes the fact I'm such a control freak. If I ever feel I have no control, or that I've lost it, I will literally stress out. I try not to, but it's not easy to relax and remain calm when what I want to accomplish is not working out for me. I know my dreams will not come true over night, but it's only natural to wish for it to happen. I have to be honest that some days I really want to quit. Quit everything, from this column, to my videos, and even modeling and acting. Sometimes I feel as though I'm not getting ahead that I'm just walking around in circles waiting for an appointment that never comes, or calls to reschedule. It's frustrating, and it's exhausting. I don't even want to get out of the bed some days. It's like a bad Groundhog Day montage. But I get up and start my day anyway.

The things that gets me through are my kids. I can't let them down. If it weren't for them and the little things that keep me going I wouldn't make it. I utilize what I do have control over, it's the small goals I set for myself that I know I can accomplish alone. Take for instance my weight loss, I set a certain mileage goal so-to-speak when I walk, and I never walk less than three miles per day. There's a special trail that I enjoy that is 5.6 miles, and I made a personal goal to walk the entire way before I turned around and walked back. And I recently completed the entire trail and walked 11.2 miles altogether. It felt great that I finished what I set out to do; however my body didn't feel the same joy. I know it may not seem much to others, but to me it was another accomplishment I can check off my list.

No matter what your goals may be, big, or small, they're all important, every single one of them. I used to allow others to bring me down with their negativity and tell me I can't do something because it's not logical, or feasible to chase after foolishness. And sometimes their words would get into my head and cloud my judgement. It left me feeling as if I were stupid and irresponsible for trying. I want to prove it, not only to them, but to myself as well that I will become what I want to be. I know there's always a chance that it won't happen for me, but if that's true then it must also work in the opposite way and therefore I would have that exact same chance to make it.

I don't know for sure that my dreams will come true, unless I set goals for myself and work hard every day to push to that extra mile. I may not make it all the way, but if I don't take the chance I'll never find out. It is up to me to believe that I will succeed, and to do that I must always dream big.

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