There are times in my life where I feel that I'm not doing enough to make my dreams happen. I work very hard to promote Dream Big, my guests, and my brand, yet I still feel as though no matter how much I spend on social media getting the word out that it's still not enough. I've been told that right now I'm doing all that I possibly can do at this moment in time, and to be patient because it will all come to fruition when it's meant to be. But then I become frustrated with myself because I feel stuck, with no way out and nothing left to do; it's out of my control now. And my show isn't the only thing I'm working on, I'm still looking for acting jobs as well. I literally do a daily hunt on multiple occasions throughout the time that I'm awake for roles I could possibly fit, but that can be a little frustrating when I can only apply for roles according to the stereotype I fit into. My tattoos can be covered with apparel, and I can remove my nose rings too if the need arises, but I feel as if I've inked myself into a corner that I can't break away from. Do I regret getting tattoos? Yes and no. If I had previously known that I would have been brave enough to become an actor, before I got my tattoos that are visible (like my arm sleeves, legs, and shoulder tats), then I would not have gotten them. Although, to be honest, I love having them, and I feel that they actually helped me come out of my introverted little shell. Yes, I am forever going to be looked over for certain roles, but that's okay because I can live with that. What I don't want to live without are the opportunities to play great characters, work with amazing people, and do what I love the most; I relish becoming someone else even for just a few short hours. I suppose I never grew out of playing dress up.
Now that my frustrations are out of the way, and I've vented them out to all of you, I would like to share the positives that come from hard work, no matter how many times you want to quit. In my personal opinion, the hardest things for me are having patience, self-confidence, and above all else courage. Now you might think self-confidence and courage are the same things, but they are not to me and here's why: self-confidence is the ability to feel comfortable in your own skin. You must be happy with your look, and own that shit. If you're not happy, find that thing you love about yourself, and then it becomes your own personal brand that no one else has. Courage is being brave enough to try something new, taking chances, and doing something you wouldn't normally do. It took courage for me to become a writer, and actually letting people read my words; to become a model, and posing for someone to take pictures of me with and without clothes on; to become an actress, and being in a room with more talent and experience then I felt I had in my big toe, and that took courage that I didn't have. I had to develop courage within myself to try any of those things. And I will let you in on a huge secret that only a select few people on this entire planet know about me. I'm shy. Not just in the plain text meaning of the word shy. I mean I'm so shy that unless I'm in front of some sort of camera, or recording device where my focus is completely set upon my work, I'm not able to be in most forced social settings. Let me clarify, I'm okay at the grocery store alone if I don't have to talk to strangers, or at the mall, but if it's a social gathering, such as a party, or a bar, and I'm alone it's all over; I simply can't do it. If I have someone with me where I'm focused on them I'm fine, but if I'm alone and someone starts speaking to me then I feel like I'm backed into a corner. I'm not sure exactly why I'm this way; I deal with it and just smile a lot, or I make an excuse that I'm in a hurry in order to avoid people, but I'm not sure why I'm explaining all this anyway. The point is that I had to have courage to do what I've wanted to do my whole life, and I'm confident in my own skin enough to fake it; there's a lot I don't like about my physical appearance, which is most likely because I grew up most of my life as a kid and was considered an ugly duckling. It wasn't until I was an adult, and a photographer noticed me in a hair salon one day and offered to do my first real professional shoot that I actually looked at myself in a mirror with an open mind. I wasn't an ugly duckling after all. I will never forget that photographer, we are still friends today, and I want to thank him for not only discovering me, but helping me discover myself.
I have reached out to you all about some of my frustrations and one of my deepest secrets, but one thing I've yet to share with you is how I remain patient through everything I'm waiting for. To be honest, I keep myself distracted with my family (kids are notorious for keeping a mom busy), I walk, or exercise every day, I have a day job like everyone else who's trying to make it in life, I play video games occasionally, (Pokémon Go when I walk of course), and I also enjoy reading a good book when I can sit still long enough to enjoy it. But most of all, I keep myself busy with trying to find acting jobs, and bringing Dream Big into the world beyond the interwebs, that in itself keeps me busy with distractions. The lesson learned is that patience is met with distractions to keep the focus with the positive by working hard to achieve the final goal; without it you worry and fret over the negatives, therefore throwing patience out the window. But if you keep your chin up when you look in the mirror and work hard for what you truly want to make out of this life I promise that you'll make it. And I remind myself of that very thing every time I look into my inbox and see that it's empty, and when I look at my videos and see that my viewership is so incredibly low, or that no matter how many followers on social media I have that means as much as a bag of rice. But I keep telling myself that one day all of my social media followers will watch my videos, pass them on to others, and that I'll become an overnight success even though it doesn't really happen like that, it just seems like it does. The point is to have confidence, the courage will follow, and learn to distract yourself with positive work and patience will come.
No matter how much you want to give up, or avoid looking in the mirror, remember this: you are unique to you, own who you are, and stand up to those who try to push you down, don't give in because they say so. The courage you need is found within, never doubt who you are, and always dream big.