Everyone has experienced a first in life. A first smile, first steps, first tooth, first kiss, first love, and even the first heartbreak. Sure, all of these things we all have experienced in life, but some firsts not everyone has or say they have had as a first. The first time you knew you liked the same sex, or the first time you knew that being a girl in a boys body didn’t feel right, (or vice versa) or the first time that you just knew that you were different, and not like everyone else.
Those firsts are not only confusing, but hard to explain to family or loved ones, and most likely even more so in admitting it to yourself.
The first time that I realized that I liked boys was weird for me because the boys I grew up with were always mean to me. Being teased or bullied by anyone is wrong on so many levels, but it’s even more so wrong when those boys take it to a new level. I blossomed at an early age, and when you’re a ten year old skinny girl with budding breasts then you’re an automatic target to see if you stuff your bra. Now this wasn’t the only time this had ever happened to me, and it wasn’t only the boys on my school bus that did it, the girls were in on it too in what came next. The girls who were supposed to be my friends were obviously jealous that they were still flat chested, and they teased me about stuffing my bra. The worst thing was when they had the boys pull up my shirt up, and take off my bra which was just a trainer. And there I was on the bus, embarrassed and crying hoping someone, anyone, would get my shirt and bra back for me. The teasing stopped about my stuffing my bra now that the evidence was seen, but the teasing didn’t end there, and I would for years be called Dolly Parton. At the time that apparently was an insult where now it’s a compliment, in the end it didn’t prevent me from liking boys.
Fast forward a few years later, but wasn’t sure why I found myself liking girls in the same way. I thought that a crush was only for boys, because I was raised that boys like girls and girls like boys, not girls like girls, or boys like boys. If anything of the sort was mentioned about that at home it was not accompanied by pleasant phrasing. I had a couple best girlfriends over my middle school and high school ages that I really felt like I wanted to be more than friends, and by my freshmen year in high school I was raiding my dad’s side of the closet just as much as my mom’s, but still putting such a posh outfit together, and wearing my dad’s cologne. I also discovered the nudie magazines that my dad had stashed under the bed, and enjoyed looking at the women. My boyfriends had similar magazines, and they had no problem in sharing them with me. They found it interesting that I liked girls in that way, but it was still confusing to me. I had maybe two friends that I had shared my feelings about girls with them, they were very cool and even supportive about it, but assured me they were not. Although, one other friend I had didn’t go over too well, and she basically believed that it was a sin and that I was going to hell. We weren’t friends after that.
Fast forward to adulthood when I was finally able to experience some sexual experiences with a few women. It was like the song says, “I kissed a girl and I liked it”, and then when I was able to experience more, well I can honestly say I liked that too. Unfortunately, I am still to this day completely gun shy when it comes to asking girls out, and I just don’t do it. If anything it’s a matter of they have to come up to me and ask me out. Of course I still enjoy men just the same, but it’s easier and I don’t have an inferiority complex when it comes to asking guys out; I actually feel more empowered to be honest. Although, I like boys and girls, I have discovered that it is definitely not a gender thing, or a looks thing, and I am far from shallow when it comes to dating.
Now, after having discovered more about myself, being an empath, a natural witch, and clairvoyant, but that is another tale in itself. To get to the point, I value a person by their energy, their soul, what they believe in, and how open they are to life around them. My friends tell me that I could easily fall into the pansexual category, but I don’t care for labels, so I simply say that I have a lot of love to give, and I don’t really care what package their soul comes in. I will say being a human only, and over the age of twenty-five is preferable. Nonetheless, does it really matter? Honestly, I can say that if you don’t understand love, like truly understand it, then you cannot ever understand humanity, or what our true purpose in this life is.
Over the weekend I attended my first ever pridefest, the Knox Pridefest to be exact, and it was so incredible. I had always had to work on a Saturday, or simply already involved with other projects, so had never been able to attend previously. Of course the first opportunity I was able to go I jumped at the chance. I didn’t go to be out and about myself as a lover of ones souls, but mostly to show support to my friends, and others who are no longer afraid to love freely who they want, or to be who they truly are in their heart and soul. The energy that came from the pride Parade, and then later at the festival was exhilarating, and for myself being an empath I walked around in a euphoric daze. There was just so much to take it, and the amount of love that was in the air was absolutely intoxicating. Yes there were cool vendors, supporters of free will and love were also magnanimous in their efforts to supply water, snacks, and other generous groups offered places to go if someone needed a place to stay, and or even specialized healthcare. All the entertainment was top notch too, several bands, and choir groups performed on the outside stage. I was so happy to see a Dream Big guest Deconbrio from Season 4 play on stage at the festival, and they rocked that festival for sure. If you haven’t yet heard of Deconbrio, I do suggest you give them a listen, they are phenomenal. I am here to say that it was the most enlightening experience, and I can’t wait to attend again next year.
Even though we may not experience all the firsts in life we do share the same love for life. We should all be supportive of one another, and share those experiences together, even if we are all different, we love the same, and we hurt the same. Please remember that we come from a place of love, will return to a place of love, and we live for love. Love is love, and we always dream big...