It has been three months since I’ve written this column; I struggled to find the words. I have been both mentally and emotionally exhausted from my inner demons, and fears of being a failure. Within these past three months I have ignored my goals, barely able to make heads or tails of what I really want at the end of my journey. The pain of my depressive state went unnoticed by most, but each time I looked in the mirror I saw less and less of the woman I wished to become.
I spent my time with several distractions, from doing a few much needed repairs around the house, to include painting the walls, and putting in my garden. I felt that those things would help to inspire me to write this column again, but it didn’t. Inspiration can manifest itself into many forms, but in the long run it comes from the beholder, as a beauty that can only be seen from within. Only a few of you know the desperation I had to write something, anything, but I was too afraid it would come off as some random suicide note. It was at this moment that I had stopped even trying to find inspiration, and basically gave up.
Now, three months later I have returned to this column, the one thing that has always been on time in my life, and I am here once more to share what has inspired my writers heart...
After a mere twist of events that I had no control over; I had an epiphany. It was as if my muse had finally returned to me once again to whisper the words I have been longing to write down. I have been wanting so much to change what I’ve written about in the past, whereas I had only been focusing on writing about the journey to my dreams, but I wanted to add a little something else. For the sake of nostalgia I will always write about what’s happening with me outside of the show Dream Big, but I will now include my next venture.
Have you ever thought about all the things you’d like to do before you die? I know this is a sorta morbid question, but stop reading for a moment to ponder this. I will wait...
Think about what you’ve always wanted to do, but we’re too afraid to do it because of whatever bullshit reason you gave yourself. They call this the “Bucket List”, and I don’t know about all you fine folk out there, but I’m ready to start checking things off of my to do list. I’m not only talking about my dreams, or my goals, they are at the very top of the list, and need a lot more hard work to achieve than simply growing a large set of kahunas to do it. Sometimes it’s something relevant to you, but you’re afraid of what others may think, be it family or friends; I say who cares what someone else thinks of you.
The first thing that I have checked off of my bucket list was to stop letting myself down. I couldn’t do it alone, so I turned to others for help, and they welcomed me with open arms. The next thing I did was to do something for myself that had nothing to do with any of my goals, and what I had always admired in others, yet coveted for myself; I had my septum pierced. I know it doesn’t seem like much, nor would it really be on someone else’s bucket list, but to me it was a coming out of my shell, and not worry what others thought of me for having it. I took this same venture about five years ago when I decided that only two tattoos weren’t enough for me, but I had always been too afraid that it would have too much of an impact on my life, whether is was work related, or pertained to how my family would react. Now, I’m covered in tattoos, and have three piercings just in my nose alone. I don’t care how others may judge me based on my looks because I know who I am on the inside.
I do hope that you will continue to join me on the journey to my dreams, as well as this new venture to check off my bucket list; one thing at a time of course. Until then, no matter the size, or how long the journey takes to get there, remember to always dream big.