“Rejection is hard. No one is immune to it. No one has ever been thrilled to experience it. It doesn’t matter from what, when, or how, the rejection is received. It’s still hurts. Not so much as in the way of feelings go, but on a deeper level. As a person of many great talents, and talents that even go unnoticed, I can say from a personal perspective that I can’t fail in everything I do. I can learn from it or I can run from it, but there’s no going back from it now. I just wish that little voice in the back of my head would stop asking questions. “Am I really that awful?” “Do I need to reevaluate what I’m trying to do?” “Are these talents that I think I have are just figments of my imagination?” “What is my real purpose anyway?” “Am I a crazy person for thinking that I even exist for a reason?” I’m not sure what the answers are, but sometimes I wonder if I should rethink things. I should just write a column about rejection for the few people who actually read it.”
I posted that quote on social media what I was feeling at that moment in time. In all honesty I feel that way almost all the time. I know that I am a hard worker when it comes to my craft, whether it be writing, acting, or modeling; I do what I do because I love it and can’t possibly imagine what else I would even do. I have tried so many different career paths in my life, and only the ones in which I have been truly happy is when I can be creative. I love to use my imagination; it is something in which I have done long since I can remember doing as a small tot. I just wish that I had began my artistic career sooner than later.
I feel as though I’m on a time clock because of my own mindset. I know that it doesn’t matter how old you are when you begin a new career or project, but it matters to me. I honestly do not want to be an old lady when something I am trying to do ends up finally succeeding. It does sound fickle or even conceded of me to say, but I want to still be young and attractive enough to walk down a red carpet in something that shows off my curves, make jaws drop, and camera batteries burn up. I know that if you see it, believe it, and meditate on it that what I am dreaming of will manifest itself into reality, but I feel at the rate I’m going that time will run away, and it will be too late.
I apologize for not being the perky, positive, portrayer of all hopes and dreams. This column began as a sort of public diary that I kept to share my goals with others, and the feelings that I go through each step of the way in trying to obtain those goals. It has been a long and difficult journey, and it has not been easy at all. I will be the first to tell you that I am only human, and sometimes I don’t think that I’m going to make it. I’m so afraid that I’m going to fail, and then I’m going to give up. I don’t want to give up at all, but I honestly can’t say that I won’t.
I tend to drive myself crazy because I’m a doer, and I cannot stand to wait on others to make things happen. Although, here I am in a perpetual hurry up and wait world. A parallel universe where I am doing all the things my hearts desire wants to do, believes in, works hard for, and I’m not moving forward. I am but spinning my wheels on this road less traveled, and I am completely lost. Where do I turn now? Where do I go from here? Where am I even going? I have all these questions, and I haven’t the answers to any of them. I know where I want to go, I know what I want to do, but I don’t know where I go from here in order to get where I want to be. I may never know. As I wait around to contemplate my navel, the world I am in is passing me by. It sounds crazy, but so is trying to chase your dreams with a butterfly net.
The world may not stop to let you on, you must run it down and grab it by the rails. It may feel like you’re in another universe, but you can adapt to any situation. All you have to do is believe, carry a butterfly net, and always dream big.