There comes a time in everyone's lives when we must make difficult decisions that could possibly change the outcome of our own story. I for example am at a major crossroad on my journey to my dreams, and it's time that I choose the correct path for me...
With only three more weeks until I reach the 100th Dream Big, the clock is ticking, and my time is nearly up. I have decided that the 100th will be a special episode of the show, not only to recap my journey thus far, but to announce whether I will give up on my personal dreams as well. I know for many of you I may be a little hasty in my decision, but to be honest it has been nearly three years since I began my journey, and two years of documenting it with my column. Of course I know that what I am attempting to do takes a lot of hard work, time, and effort to achieve my goals. It also hasn't helped at all being harassed by those who feel I've stolen the show out from under them, and being threatened by them that they'll ruin my life if I continue. Although I am scared shitless that I could lose everything in the process, and have been bullied; I have yet to come to a full decision about giving up yet, but I am currently weighing the odds, and it feels like they are against me.
Ever since I lost my day job I have felt that it was for a reason. Perhaps it was so I could focus on my acting career, or the show, but in the end I still question it. All of my life I've worked off and on since I was sixteen, but for me I have never been able to keep a regular job for a full year. I have no idea what is wrong with me in that sense, but I always had a feeling I didn't belong there, and it was like being trapped in a cage with no way out. Although no fault of my own, if I am going to work, I work with no problem and I give it my full attention with 100%, and nothing half done either. I have never really understood why an employer would want to let go of someone with my work ethic; until I watched a video I saw that Oprah was in. In this video Oprah was giving her advice about how if you are in any type of situation, whether it was a job, relationship, or whatever it is that you are doing, if you do not feel right about it, felt trapped, or it just didn't seem like you are meant to be there; to just move on basically, and don't feel guilty about it. There was more to the video than that, but that is what I got out of it. And that was exactly how I understood it to be, it all made perfect sense as to why I have never kept a regular job for a solid year. I honestly thought I was just a complete failure to the core, because no matter what job I tried, and giving my 100%, it just wasn't enough whatsoever. And I believe it was because I had no passion about what I was doing, only the mechanical robot-like routine that I placed on it; I was efficient only. And that's exactly why I think I feel guilty for chasing my dreams.
Yes I know, none of this makes any sense to me either. I suppose my big question is what do I do? If I can't hold down a regular job to take care of my kids, bills, and to live life, how can I possibly go after what I really want to do, that I truly love doing, are completely passionate about it, and survive at the same time? What do I have to give up? I know something has to be sacrificed, but what? And if I do decide to try keeping up with at least part time work, but I don't have time to fit all of my dreams in the collective then which one of them do I give up? It is all so confusing. I think that's why I took last Monday off from doing Dream Big at all so I could have more time to make this decision. I know in my heart what I want to do, but my head keeps shouting at me to be logical. It is keeping me awake at night, and I am exhausted. I don't know what to do.
In the meantime, I will continue to write my column, film the show, and get things ready to be a guest/vender at the Fanboy Comic Con in Knoxville, with my friend, and the show's producer Will Allman, who will also be promoting his new movie "Something's In The Woods." I'm actually pretty nervous about doing it, and it's going to be my first time at an event like this. Of course I've gone as a spectator/fan girl before, but to actually be someone that will be at a table is going to be new to me. I think I'm worried that no one will show up to see me, no one will buy any merchandise that I spent a lot of credit card debt on, or that no one will know or care who I am, and I know that is just my fear talking, but I'm having a difficult time tuning it out. At least I'm keeping myself preoccupied with my at home work outs, walking, and my kids keep me pretty busy. I do hope that some of the Dream Big fans will come out and support me at the Fanboy Knoxville Comic Con; I would love to see some familiar friendly faces. And to keep me from being a complete dork and being a silly fangirl with all those super cool celebrities running around, so I won't embarrass myself. Until then, stay tuned to all of my social media pages, the website for when the next new episodes of Dream Big will air on the YouTube Channel, and when I'll be posting the next column.
I don't have an inspirational quote to leave you with today, but all I can say is don't give up, and always dream big.