It's Saturday. Mid-morning. I'm pondering my day's activities. The usual, household chores, and maybe an outing later. A nice long drive perhaps, or maybe a long walk; if anything to just clear my head. So much has happened in the past few weeks and not happened all at the same time. My hard work has paid off. I've enjoyed living and learning by experience. It's not been easy, but nothing in life is. Without hardships we can never learn from trial and error. I personally prefer to have set backs. I know it sounds strange, but without struggle, there is no way to survive.
I've had hard lessons to learn. Trying to balance my career and being a parent isn't easy, but I do the best I can. My children inspire me everyday to keep going and to never give up. My oldest two of my fabulous five kids tell me how proud of me they are, and to me that's the greatest feeling ever. I want to prove to my children that they can do anything if they believe in themselves, no matter what they want to be. I will set this example and proudly watch them grow into their accomplishments. My first born son wishes only to work hard for what he has, and be a loving husband and father. My second son wants to have a PH.D. In automotive engineering, and a masters in automotive design, so he can go work for Chrysler and build awesome cars that one day will be fueled by solar energy. My youngest three children haven't really mentioned what they want to be just yet, but I look forward to hearing what they have to say.
As for myself I'm still focusing on my goals in between all my domestic duties. Now that I have an incredible agent there's new doors that can open for me where they were once closed. I'm meeting new people when I work on set that I am amazed by and that I have learned a lot from. And without their advice I wouldn't have gotten where I am today. Although I may not be far into my acting career, I am however making big strides down the path closer towards the direction I want to be. The journey by far hasn't been easy. I've been passed by and even been left behind. I've also wanted to quit, having felt that I'm absolutely insane for trying to become an actress at my age. Sometimes I've felt as though I'm taking something away from my kids, that I'm being selfish and I shouldn't waste my resources to barely survive. Yes, my kids do come first, but not being able to buy whatever they want when they want it sometimes makes me feel guilty, like I've wronged them as a parent somehow. I know that not spoiling them isn't as bad thing, but I do feel ashamed going through the store and telling them no we can't buy that toy because I can't afford it. As a parent I can honestly say it hurts and it's embarrassing. Sacrifices can be hard, but the outcome after its all said and done will be worth it in the end. Am I a bad parent for working for my goals and not spoiling my children? They do have a roof over their head, food in their bellies, and clothes on their backs. Birthdays and holidays I reserve the right to work hard in getting what they really want and they appreciate what I do give up for them. And then I make sure those wishes no matter how big or small that I fulfill them the best I can.
I love what I do. It makes me happy. And I love that my children can see that I'm happy. I want to show them that if you do what you love to do then it's not really work. Yes, it is work, but it's not a job that they will hate and suffer through it with some kind of medication in order to just get by. I want better than that for them and want only their happiness. I will stand by them, watch them grow, and teach them to always dream big.