I juggle through my week like a professional, although I cannot really juggle, but it would be the best description I can use.
I've had a great week,and writing a chapter a day keeps the straitjacket away. I've also heard back from another agent on the book I'm querying. It was a rejection, but it still came with an inspirational compliment, "A lot of potential, just not right for me," that gives me hope to not give up writing. I cross that agent off my list, and patiently wait for the others to respond, but this weeks column is not about my book, or writing in general; with the exception of writing this column of course.
This weeks adventures have included a couple of modeling shoots I had done, and it also touches base on a very sore subject for me, body image. How do I have body image issues? From my teenage years on into adulthood, and after having kids I have struggled to maintain a healthy weight. I ate so much junk food as a child, and as young adult it was awful. I would never eat junky foods now, and even with current healthy eating habits I'm still having weight issues.
Body image is something I feel is a direct nickname for a much larger word, 'imagination,' and in most of our imaginations we feel we should look like what society tell us we should look like. I feel that it's a close call, but I tend to agree, and disagree.
Who originally set the standard for women to look a certain way? Was it a man, or woman? Do I care who did? No, I don't. I care about being healthy. I care about being able to fit into my clothes, and my muscle, and skin fit to my joints, and bones. I want to look like the real me, and not like a beached whale, or one of those wrinkly dogs.
As human beings our weight should be roughly the height, and weight ratio; or the BMI body mass index. For my height of five foot one, I shouldn't weigh more than 135 pounds. Why? Because being overweight leads to heart disease, diabetes, and other health issues like depression, and, or possibly can lead to anorexia, or bulimia at the far worst ranges of being depressed about being overweight. Again, this is only my opinion, and I'm not an M.D. or anything else in that field of expertise.
I'm chiefly basing this on how I feel about myself at five foot one, and currently close to ten pounds over my BMI, can look the part of a wrong camera angle, and here's where I'm going with my tirade.
I had a recent photo shoot, I'd done, and I was disappointed with my clothes; which didn't fit like they used to. The moment I got the proofs back I knew they weren't going to be the way I had imagined them to be. I unfortunately had fat rolls on my back, which came through in between my bra strap, and in between my waist-cincher, then it started riding up my back.
How was I going to fix this? No amount of editing could rid a body of what shouldn't be there in the first place. Especially when you're covered in tattoos.
Clearly the images I will not share, but as a result of said problem; I started walking longer, harder, and faster; hoping to start losing the unwanted extra pounds.
How did it get there in the first place? Why is this happening to me? The answer was simple.
I'm under a ridiculous amount of stress. Of course like most people have. Mine however, include the basics, finances, work,kids, household disasters,lack of time, and then no fun can make a girl go crazy. My metabolism started slowing down, and the weight has an incurable fight-or-flight natural way of freaking out. But how do I fix it?
By taking one day at a time, finding a way to relax, to walk more, and also watch what I eat too.
For the record as my current profession I am an adult entertainer,a dancer, stripper, whatever you prefer to call me, and I've done this now for nearly 19 years, and body image is a requirement for the job.
Currently I'm not dancing full-time, having to make time for writing, and modeling. I cut my natural cardio down from working 5 to 6 nights a week, to working 3 to 5.
I hate how my body looks, so I'm going to change that. I have complete control over that. Of course I don't have control over my dreams I'm chasing, and trust me, I really wish chasing my dreams burned calories; if I did I'd probably be complaining about being too skinny.
Even though chasing my dreams won't be making me thinner by no means, I still won't let my dream of being a pinup model become de-railed by my crazy train of weight gain. I'm going to lose the weight for me, and because I have kids to take care of. I'm also incredibly vain, and I don't want to have fat rolls, or a nonexistent waistline.
I absolutely deplore the word usage of being thick. I'm a naturally curvy woman, which means an hourglass figure, large breasts, small waist, and wide hips. Thick is for ketchup, and that bottle looks like a square. I'm far from being a square, but I'm heading straight for being mistaken for a condiment.
I'm not going to let that get me down I'm going to keep on fighting, and sweating this problem out until I can reach my dream size.
Bigger is better, and size is everything, only when it comes to your dreams...